Mustard On My Sexy Dress

by Eric Peter Schwartz

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.
    Purchasable with gift card

      name your price

     

1.
INVITE THE DEVIL TO TEA (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) Strap in this isn't as dark as it gets there's always something underneath always something racking up debt Always something in the hollows and holes always something that shrinks from the light Always something out of focus in the mirror something you ignore at night Always a slightly unsatisfied hunger Always something the other side of your line Always a tickle on the edge of sleep Always an itch in the back of your mind So maybe let it out on a day pass it could benefit from your generosity maybe you could both take in a movie maybe invite your devil to tea It's our nature to be half angel it's our nature to be half storm Who am I to argue with nature and who are you to tell me I'm wrong Maybe I'll take him out for a stroll Maybe I'll take him out and see Maybe we could throw a cocktail party Maybe I'll invite my devil to tea
2.
Sweetness 01:34
SWEETNESS (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) If my eyes drift away they're looking back at another day and if sometimes I feel alone it's only 'cause of the sweetness that I've know If my words come out and hurt it's just the child in me kicking up dirt trying to jar all the fireflies I can so I can hold on to who I am If this is the last message you get from me I sure did like your company so much sweetness in my days it makes the seconds sting as they slip away Forgive me if I hold too tight I'm remembering sweetness tonight
3.
Roy Batty 02:02
ROY BATTY (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) Roy Batty doesn't know what he's feeling Roy Batty has seen some things Roy Batty wants more life, fucker Roy Batty knows mortality stings Roy Batty drives a nail through a tendon Roy Batty thinks there's time enough Roy Batty uses J.F. Sebastian Roy Batty kills his creator and stuff Gotta get it up gotta get it up This one is for Pris you gotta get it up Roy Batty off the shoulder of Orion Roy Batty at the Tannhauser Gate Roy Batty breaks Deckard's fingers Roy Batty hates his incept date Gotta get it up gotta get it up This one is for Pris you gotta get it up Roy Batty the sympathetic figure Roy Batty the replicant What is life? What is humanity? We should ponder but Roy Batty shan't.
4.
THE INEVITABLE SUN 5 o'clock in the morning and nothing is filling the holes my mind drifts whichever way the wind blows This time of the morning every failure is crystal clear and everything that held me down whispers in my ears Just inside the distance a jay screams across the sky yelling out for its mate or its child and here I sit in the dawn's anemic light waiting for the creeping sun to touch the sins of the night I'm so still now but I'm screaming behind my mouth when just before dawn it was loud inside and out In just a few hours they'll know what I've done it'll all fall within the gaze of the inevitable sun I prayed for the serenity to accept what I receive but it never came easy and she never believed 6 o'clock in the morning soon everyone will know she'll never lose faith again and my coffee is getting cold
5.
Ramen, peanut butter, PBR Ramen, peanut butter, PBR Ramen, peanut butter, PBR Spending small but living large Ramen, peanut butter, PBR Ramen, peanut butter, PBR Ramen, peanut butter, PBR If you got the time I'll show you my scar Ramen, peanut butter, PBR Ramen, peanut butter, PBR Ramen, peanut butter, PBR Buy me a burrito and lend me your car Ramen, peanut butter, PBR Ramen, peanut butter, PBR Ramen, peanut butter, PBR it's okay, I'm gonna be a star
6.
SIX YEARS IN EDEN (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) I'm moving at the speed of numb in the room where something ate a girl and for a fire to burn away those moments there's not enough fuel in the world So I drink and wait for all her wonders and signs and I come to believe in fate and everything else is just killing time And I could make a list of monsters we worked to cut from our hair during six years in Eden turning hell into air But I guess the lie is that Heaven goes on and on forever because I've seen its end and I don't think it gets any better When I sleep she is in color Then I wake to the gray and hollow so I believe she is waiting for me to have the faith to follow So I drink and wait for all her wonders and signs and I come to believe in fate and everything else is just killing time
7.
I'D LOSE A TOE (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) For one night with her I'd lose a toe her love would be worth it this I know take a week off my life if I could just taste her lips hell, take two if I could just touch her hips Who do I call to make this trade Bring me the bill so it can be paid I'd lose a toe for one night with her I don't have much Universe, but let's make a deal take what you want from me but just make this real I don't believe in karma but do me a solid just once one magic night that's not asking too much It's not a thing I think I deserve but, Universe, could you throw me a curve I'd lose a toe for one night with her There's no contract I wouldn't sign to know her love for a moment in time I'd lose a toe for one night with her For one night with her I'd lose a toe to have her love me forever I'd probably sell my soul put myself into hock to feel her body next to mine to know that she loved me for a few hours one night In the moonlight, I wait at the crossroads but the Devil, he never shows I'd lose a toe for one night with her
8.
SOMEONE TO SEE ME Meet my down by the garden wall in the crack where the sun don't fall in the shadow of the locust tree that's where you'll meet the last of me Find the path that's strangely green lush and full and built by me listen for the hollow sound that's where I'm hiding and can be found Sorry to call so late no one else picked up the phone but you didn't lock the garden gate and I don't like to be alone I want someone to see me and you're the only one that's there so now were tied and tangled and I am nesting in your hair Let my song guide your hand brown and cold and still and damp the leaves of years and jailer roots There's a chill so wear your boots You'll know me by how wide my smile And how I'm resting and I'm sessile Unearthly in an earthy place where the angels have turned away When that scream down inside breaks free then you'll know what's inside of me howling out from the loam for someone to take me home (Chorus)
9.
BEER BOTTLE IN THE BATHROOM TRASH (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) Beer bottle in the bathroom trash we had a party but they never last Beer bottle in the bathroom trash this is how things go the light don't shine in here not like when I was full of beer hanging in out at the bottom of the fridge with all my sud filled sibs Beer bottle in the bathroom trash we had a party but they never last Beer bottle in the bathroom trash this is how things go I guess this is how it ends for me dropped in here on their way to pee One last sip before they drop me in Couldn't find the recycle bin Beer bottle in the bathroom trash we had a party but they never last Beer bottle in the bathroom trash this is how things go I know that I could be a reminder for an early riser if they just notice me the existentialist Budweiser Beer bottle in the bathroom trash we had a party but they never last Beer bottle in the bathroom trash this is how things go I landed here when they gave me a toss amid the kleenex and the dental floss I'll accept and won't get bent they don't own the beer, they only rent Beer bottle in the bathroom trash we had a party but they never last Beer bottle in the bathroom trash this is how things go
10.
HE BURNS BLUE (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) He burns blue says "I'm afraid I have to leave you." "I know you're not ready but it's true. There's nothing we can do." He burns blue He burns dim "I've loved you from the moment you let me in. Love's not a game any of us can win 'cause we can't see the end from where we begin." He burns dim He turns to mist every moment of his life is in her kiss rings around the moon on a night like this shoot into the sky in a moment's gliss he turns to mist He drifts out From the lines and the confines, the dread and the doubt All the fear he kept inside his mouth Nobody's hands can hold him now He drifts out He burns blue not touching the things he's passing through Amazed by the way his body moves as he burns off all the pain he ever knew he burns blue
11.
WEAPONIZED MILKSHAKES (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) Wish I could dip my hands into the flow strain the mud and separate the pyrite from the gold and only pull the worthy and the holy into my boat but we're all drinking weaponized milkshakes now and setting fire to the road This is my sand, this is my line this is where I'm from my gadgets are getting smart while my arguments are getting dumb I get confused now between nutmeg and yellow cake uranium but we're politicizing poultry in a game that's zero sum Always swinging for the fences always sweating the little things everybody ran on stage and there's nobody in the wings I'm just a guy with with a guitar and a somewhat tender ear I won't pretend I have any answers here All can do it is relay what I fear like we've driven off the cliff still arguing about who gets to steer They say Scipio wept as he sowed salt because he knew every Empire must fall Earth and time conspire against every wall so between milkshakes and oblivion there's a place for us all we're safe in bed tonight but I think there's something coming up the hall I'll see you later, mom I'm going to hang out at the mall
12.
ONE LAST FUCK IN THE CHAMBER (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) I got one last fuck in the chamber and I'm not giving it to you I got one last fuck in the chamber and I'm not giving it to you you can hold your breath and stomp your feet 'til you Goddamn face turns blue I got one last fuck in the chamber and I'm not giving it to you I got one last fuck in the chamber and I'm not giving it to you I got one last fuck in the chamber and I'm not giving it to you Karma's not an assassin and I'm not giving it its due I got one last fuck in the chamber and I'm not giving it to you I got one last fuck in the chamber and I'm not giving it to you I got one last fuck in the chamber and I'm not giving it to you There's nothing that'll come out of your mouth that's gonna change my view I got one last fuck in the chamber and I'm not giving it to you
13.
Let's pretend it's Christmas. We can talk in bed in hushed tones, listening for noises on the roof. We can giggle and pretend that the knots in our stomache are butterflies of excitement for the presents we'll find in the morning. We can keep each other awake by whispering "you still awake?". I'll put some carols in the CD player and pretend they are playing all night on a transistor radio wedged between the bed and the wall. We can laugh and then stop to listen because you thought you heard him on the roof. Let's pretend it's Christmas. We can creep out the door and down the hall. We can imagine that the pile of bills are all cards we are waiting to open in the morning. Then an imagined mother shoos us back to bed, giggling right along with us. 'Did you see anything?' "No, he won't be here until they go to bed.' 'Sheesh, why are they staying up?' Let's pretend it's Christmas and huddle under the covers, saying who had been better this year. We can try to predict what we will get . We can try to transform bills and repairs into puppies and video games in our minds. We can hate not knowing but love the surprise. Let's pretend it's Christmas and burst into the living room. We can jump up and down on the pull out bed that mom and dad slept on. We can yell and shout and count how many of the invisible presents are yours and how many our mine. Then we can drink hot chocolate and fall asleep on the couch, surrounded by the shredded, imaginary wrapping paper. Our heads resting against each other. Tonight, let's pretend it's Christmas - one more time, before we forget.
14.
Tommy Wiseau 02:35
TOMMY WISEAU (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) I don't know how far this will go don't know if I will place or show but I dream fast and life moves slow so I pray to Tommy Wiseau I don't know if this is any good or has the right engine under the hood but I have loved it as much as I could so I offer up thanks to Edward D. Wood Their names ring clear because they showed no fear they couldn't hide their art on the inside to our shame, we laugh just the same but we'll remember their names we'll remember their names When I feel I can't go on anymore when my belief shakes and falls to the floor when the world scoffs and slams the door I always think of Rudy Ray Moore I don't know how far this will go don't know if I will place or show but I dream fast and life moves slow so I pray to Tommy Wiseau When I need a little bit of luck I rub my tape of Howard the Duck
15.
THE GREAT, WIDE MUNDANE (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) The shape of risk is cloudy now cloudy now and mere mortals stupid with gray fall in they find the graver cost of candy floss and glycerine so hard to be good hard to be good they chalk it up to rings in the wood but it's fear there's not much air between there and here I met a man coming the other way he said "I'm mostly regret now. the rest is whiskey and clay" I asked "what are you doing here?" He said "Tracing back my path to a day when I was clear. There wasn't much air between there and here I get cold so easy now and the good days when they come don't want to hang around I can take grief and pain I just can't stare down the great, wide mundane The great, wide mundane I want you here
16.
I KILLED 3 HOBOS IN HIGH SCHOOL (words and music by E.P. Schwartz) She said "I killed 3 hobos in high school" "And now nobody knows but you" She was just so beautiful Her words weren't really getting through Now I'm sitting in this bank vault wondering where it all went wrong Should have done this, should have done that and where my had my new love gone She said she burned her town's hall of records so no one knows who her parents were I thought "What an interesting conversation I can't believe I'm at the Cheesecake Factory with her" Now I'm sitting in this jail cell wondering if I should have stayed home I'm wiping ink off my finger tips Why won't my mom answer the phone She said "I want a man who can go the distance. I want a man who can take the fall" I said "Me, baby, you know I'm falling." I don't think that's what she meant at all Now I'm sitting in this courtroom choosing between love and a deal they say it's better to have loved and lost but that doesn't mean that I won't squeal I throw myself on the mercy of the court there was evil in her heart but her skirt was short How was I supposed to cut and run the devil's lips tasted like bubble gum She kissed so good it was probably the only thing good about her I looked evil in the eye and I fell, I won't deny

about

Written, produced and performed by E.P. Schwartz

credits

released November 20, 2020

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Eric Peter Schwartz Aurora, Illinois

Pop-laced acoustic rock as well as instrumental and ambient music.

shows

contact / help

Contact Eric Peter Schwartz

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Report this album or account

Eric Peter Schwartz recommends:

If you like Eric Peter Schwartz, you may also like: